S3 E2: Preparing for the Transition to College

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• EPISODE RESOURCES

• EPISODE TAKEAWAYS

  • There are professionals who can provide specific guidance around the logistical aspects of choosing a college and understanding financial aspects, including guidance counselors and college admissions coaches. 

  • Going to college is often a significant adjustment that involves a lot of changes and uncertainty, which can trigger emotions like anxiety.

  • Choosing a college can be an overwhelming experience. 

  • It can help to consider questions that revolve around values, including what a student could get out of a particular college (and what they could contribute to the college) rather than just jumping to choosing from a variety of colleges.

  • Students may simply think that college is just “What I’m supposed to do,” without thinking critically about the entire process.

  • Students may avoid engaging in the process of college choice and applications because they may be procrastinating out of fear or being overwhelmed by things like the vagueness of the process, the uncertainty, and/or a fear coming from the perfectionistic idea of needing things to work out ‘perfectly’ well.

  • College can be like a microcosm of adult life, in which students can practice how they want to grow, evolve, and be as a young adult; much like trial and error. 

  • Students can have a ‘fantasy’ about what college ‘should’ be, which can trigger strong emotions like anxiety, disappointment, and/or regret. 

  • It helps to ‘ride the waves’ of the ups and downs of adjustments that come with college, even day by day, week by week, semester by semester; rather than catastrophizing when things are ‘not going well’. Problem-solving is being clear about the specific problem and exploring potential options to solving the problem and/or coping with the problems that arise.

  • College students tend to strongly emphasize the importance of relationships.

  • The process of choosing a college can include doing more research and getting more information either through other people involved in the college, online resources, and/or your own experience on the college campus and/or interactions with the college community. It helps to generate a list of questions and treat it as an exploration and process, step by step. Seeking out professors, students in campus organizations, and/or professionals in the field can help learn about the field you are interested in. 

  • Students may have a vague association (e.g., “They have a cool sports team”) without understanding much else about the college and the experience of the college.

  • If a student is overly-involved in the college process, they may lose touch with ‘being a kid’ and enjoying the years before college that they will not get back. It can help to proactively plan for fun and enjoyable experiences and activities to balance out the incredible amounts of work some students commit to when applying to college.

  • College can be an opportunity to grow and evolve as a person with the right support system to learn about oneself, to feel understood in a deeper way, and to navigate more complex life experiences. Doing so can set them up for success when they graduate from college. It is particularly meaningful and positive when the student takes ownership over their personal growth. This is not the same as going to an extreme over-compensation change that could be unhealthy or maladaptive over the long-run.

  • Prior to college, students can gradually get used to adult-like experiences, little by little. Even getting a job teaches a lot of skills, experiences, and responsibilities. Some students take a gap year to do things like living in a new environment, taking community college courses to test the waters, and/or getting a job or internship in a particular field.

  • Parents/caregivers can try to maintain a secure relationship with their child as they get older, which can take problem-solving to figure out how to make this happen and let the relationship evolve. Even if students say they don’t care, they may actually care deep down and need parents/caregivers to be a safety net and safe person to recover from setbacks, problems, and challenges. 

• TRANSCRIPTION

  Alexis Reid 00:17

  Welcome back to the Reid Connect-Ed podcast. We're here in season three in the fall of 2023. And we're going to tackle more of a discussion today around the transition for students to prepare for college. And there are incredible resources, amazing college counselors and coaches out there that are going to dive deeper into the specifics of, you know, the financial aid part, finding the best fit, and Gerald and I are just going to touch upon a few of those things, without going too deep. We're really going to look at the relational interactional components of what it takes to prepare for the transition to go from high school to some kind of higher education, or what that looks like, as an individual, an adolescent begins their journey to transition into young adulthood. 

  So today, we're going to talk all about how to prepare students for the transition to college. So Jerry, in my work, especially I don't call myself a college counselor, or coach by any means there are so many people who have incredible expertise in this area. And I don't want to step on the feet of them. But I will most certainly say that a lot of times in my work when I'm working with high school students, families, even young adults who want to take a career path or make a shift into a different expertise that they want to explore in college or otherwise, you know, I do a lot of work around helping them to figure out what their passion, what their purpose and what their path is. And with that comes a lot of anxiety. You know, in our previous episode, we talked all about anxiety that can come up around different unexpected transitions. 

  And this is a big one for a lot of people, you know, going from high school where you might be living with your primary caregivers, you might have siblings around, you might have, you know, a lot of different supports and resources in your community in school, you most certainly have more structure, from just showing up and going high school every day, to moving on to a different institution, or even a different realm of life, where individuals and these young people in general who are trying to figure out what they want to do next, there might be a lot of uncertainty. And I work with so many people who are trying to build and develop their executive function skills. And sometimes that's really difficult for them to make a plan and to move out of the here and now that present moment, to be able to see the future and make these goal directed decisions that seem a little bit outside of the realm of what they're familiar with what they're comfortable with and what they're ready to do.

  Gerald Reid 03:02

  Well, let's get into what is different about being at college, I mean, my God, your a kid, right, you go through K through 12. And for the most part, not everybody, but you tend to be with the same people, you know, your whole childhood and adolescence. And you are basically plopped into another place, right? And you may be local, you may be in a different state, you may be in a city or maybe in a rural area. But you're going to be in a completely different place. And that may be an experience you've never had. Some people maybe, you know, maybe they went to boarding school or maybe they've gone to sleepaway camps or, you know, different, you know, sporting clinics and stuff where they've been to other places. But, um, if you really put into perspective, and we always want to take the perspective of the kid, right, or the person we're working with, and not assume that they're adults, right, they're, they're still growing up. And their experience is their experience. So to actually, physically, psychologically, emotionally, be in a different place comes with a lot. That's not to scare people, but it's just to kind of put into perspective about what actually happens when you do transition to college. There's a lot there that I think we can keep in mind and support people around.

  Alexis Reid 04:15

  Yeah, for sure. And it's such a big milestone. You know, when you look at high school students and adolescence, they're always trying to prove their independence, their agency, their, their way in which they could contribute to the world in some way. And sometimes they have great skills to be able to do that effectively. And positively and productively. And sometimes they don't, right? Sometimes they're trying to push boundaries, and try to figure out things maybe in a not as safe and productive way, and how do we support them in this process? 

  So we're gonna get into all of that, but I really want to just touch upon very briefly, some of the logistical things because I always say, you know, I take on a lot of The stress and anxiety of the families who are going through this process because there's a lot that comes up, you know, is it gonna be the right fit? Is it going to be a place that my child is going to be able to thrive? Are they going to have the right supports and influences around them? Can we afford it? So, you know, again, I'm not going to go into the logistics, but I just want to mention that, you know, as you are beginning in this process, as a family, it's so important to consider these factors that can have an emotional toll and become stressful, if you don't consider you know, things like a financial commitment to going to school, thinking about the location and distance from home, what feels comfortable, what's gonna require extra transportation, you know, thinking about the research and professors who are there at the institutions, because I always say to my students… I’m like, “College is an amazing experience, it's a way for you to have some independence and freedom, outside of the constraints of what you've been growing up with whatever your situation and circumstance has been before that. And it allows you to explore, and you'll have some great social interactions, meeting new people with different perspectives, but really to go to college, for me, is really about the experience and the interactions you have with the professors in the college community that you're going to be a part of.” So I always say that's a big part of the research process. You know, in this day and age, there are so many ways to learn. Learning is not just about going to an institution to get a degree learning is, you know, there's an incredible plethora of outlets, you know, podcasts for one, right? Also going on youtube going to different, you know, talks or, you know, shorter term learning experiences, learning isn't just about going to an institution anymore. And I think that's a really important conversation to be had among the family to say, you know, what is the goal and purpose of going to school, and when you aren't going to a higher at a place of higher education, what do you want to get out of it? And also, what do you want to contribute to it? 

  I think we fall into this space where you know, you graduate high school, a lot of people think you just have to go to college, you have to go to college for so many reasons. You know, there's federal governmental pushes for kids to go to college, there's societal pushes for people to go to college, there's career pushes, for people to go to college, but is college always right for you, and which college is going to be right? And again, we want to think about this interactional relationship between, you know, what do you want to get from this school and experience? And what do you want to give to it and contribute to it because it's, it's always going to be interactional, it's never going to be one way. And we need to look at the bigger picture. 

  And I always say, you know, take this opportunity to really talk about what the values are of the family in terms of education and responsibility, and also how, you know, the individual going through this process, who might be transitioning into higher education, help them to reflect on this process, because they might just think that's just, you know, part of what they need to do. It's just, you know, they're going with the motions of it all. And they're doing what everybody else supposedly is doing. And I think it's a really important thing to have those conversations and reflect personally like having that self awareness of what you want to get from something, what you want to contribute to it, and what's the purpose and value behind it is so important.

  Gerald Reid 08:28

  Yeah, I mean, it is important to huge decision. And I think we have seen, you know, high school students who just avoid even talking about or to doing things and they're procrastinating the process, because it is overwhelming. It's a big decision. Like there's no “ right decision” as you're saying. And there's so many schools to choose from so many school and how you suppress the world to that we

  Alexis Reid 08:51

  don't even think about all the time, right?

  Gerald Reid 08:52

  There's the financial part of it, the colleges are very expensive. And so, in terms of the emotional part, it's hard to straddle that, acknowledging the reality of this is a big decision, you got to take it seriously without overwhelming the kid. Or the parents for that matter. Yeah. And that's, that's a hard balance to make. But when the kid does get there, right, and it could feel like there is pressure to make it the best experience and I know, I'll take this into the therapy world, like so many freshmen, first year students, you know, there's a fantasy about like, what it's going to be like, and a lot of times it's social, right? 

  Where you're bringing in how important the value of colleges you get a degree which could help you as a career, you get skills you learn, you have a in some ways college is also like a microcosm of society. It's like a scaffolding to get ready for adulthood. You know, you have to deal with roommates. You have to deal with responsibilities that are different. So it's kind of like a stepping stone into adulthood, which could be a very good thing very well said. You know, in the first year students I mean, I think this is very common is that there's a fantasy He of how college should be. And I get this on the front end and the back end of college, you know, when college is over, or kind of getting towards the end of, you know, what should be or what could have been. And there's a lot of strong emotions about it. And so you know, back to this emotional part about the adjustment, I think it's good for, you know, if you're in therapy, or if you have a support system, if you just want to talk openly about this with the kid is transitioning is to get in touch with what those fantasies are in the imagination of what should and could, could be about it. 

  Because, you know, there's no way to predict exactly how things are going to be, you can maybe make no friends for the first month, but all of a sudden, something happens and you develop friendships. And so my work in therapy a lot of times is helping people to kind of ride the waves that happen with the adjustment because there's going to be waves, not everything's going to be perfect. And there's going to be ups and downs, there's going to be people you click with people you don't click with, you're going to be lost, you're not going to know what to expect. And so you know, a big part of the therapy of adjusting to college is, is being in touch with what you're feeling and not kind of falling apart or catastrophizing, the things that are not going well in the beginning, “going well”, and navigating it because you know, like we said in the episode before, last time about anxiety, problem solving the big part of therapy. and problem solving is okay, let's be clear about what your problem really is in your mind. 

  Let's define it and get on the same page about it. And let's explore options and ways of approaching it. And it's not an all or nothing proposition about dealing with, you know, the problems that can come up. A lot of times it is social, I have to tell you like enough college students really, like we're human, we all care about relationships. But college, I think people really emphasize the relationships and there could be different things, the circumstances that get in the way of that, you know, the sometimes even you're working so hard, because you're in a very demanding major, or it could just be circumstances that make it hard to develop relationships. But I gotta say, the expectations a lot of times comes down to relationships, because we all we all crave for that we all want that, you know,

  Alexis Reid 12:03

  that's so important. And we'll definitely dive deeper into like, what it looks like once you get to school. And we'll talk a little bit more about like what happens when you do transition into this new environment into this new space into this new set of expectations. But I still want to go back to thinking about, you know, how do families and students decide which campuses to even explore and again, I'm not going to go deep into this, but I am going to offer a couple of suggestions that can provide some opportunities to have those discussions about you know, what is the fantasy of being in college, and sometimes it's just stepping on a campus, you know, we're so fortunate we live here in Boston now. And there are who could throw a stone and hit a different college depending on angle your

  Gerald Reid 12:47

  I bumped into a college the other day by accident.

  Alexis Reid 12:51

  I hope they were friendly. But you know, it's there's so many different opportunities. And there's also some really great often free experiences that you can kind of go and explore. rather than it just being a college tour where it might feel a little bit, you know, to market it, or a little bit too manufactured, you might want to just go and have a stroll on a college campus, there's often places of worship that are on college campuses, that you can go as a family and just see what the community is like. There are, you know, sporting events, there's different theatrical events, there's, you know, oftentimes speakers that come to the colleges and institutions where you can interact with the people that are there and really get to understand the community. 

  And when you think about that relational side that you bring up, that is so important. Once you get to a college community, you really want to make sure you feel comfortable, you have a little bit of a frame of reference, I work with so many students that are you know, juniors and seniors thinking about where they want to go to school. And oftentimes they hear the big names that they've heard their whole lives, either the big sporting teams, or, you know, the Ivys, or these top schools that they've heard about. But they don't really understand, like, what it's about what the school is about. So my one of my greatest recommendations and suggestions is, you know, just get familiar and comfortable when we think about the anxiety that can come up, come up when we're not sure if something. What I'm saying here is, can we do a little research and preparation and exposure so that you can make better decisions when you get to the point of, you know, figuring out where you want to send your application where you want to potentially commit to, and what that process is going to be.

  Gerald Reid 14:32

  Yeah, like without having to know every detail, but actually kind of figuring out what you actually value. It's kind of like career exploration. You know, there's research around like career exploration for kids and, you know, kids just, they don't really know anything about careers like oh, I want to be a policeman or I want to be a doctor or a lawyer or this or that they but they have don't know anything about it. They're just there's an association to it. Similar to what you said about the school like Oh, I like that sports team. So I want to go there. So you know, part of that is the exploration part in getting more information to get in touch with what you're looking for. And, you know, hopefully even talking to people who have been through college that's so valuable, we always talk about that, on the podcast, talk to other people who have been through experiences to get their perspective, what do they wish they knew? What was their experience of the pros and cons of their college experience, essentially, so that you can start to figure out what kind of questions to ask, you know, when you don't know anything about something, you don't even know what questions to ask. Yeah, and some people have family members who didn't even go away to college, and you know, it's the first generation going to college. So, you know, just the exploration is, is valuable in of itself, it's not a bad thing, it's not an all or nothing thing. There's a process to everything. And so that definitely helps.

  Alexis Reid 15:48

  I think the exploration is actually the best part about this whole process. But oftentimes, it becomes stifled by the stressors of “oh, it has to be a certain way, or we have to do it by a certain time point.” So you know, my, my recommendation is to slow it down, and really appreciate and enjoy that process and the time together, that you get to have 

  Yeah, and, and I think, during COVID, especially, I was really leaning on a lot of amazing professionals who are more accessible than ever because everybody was home, right? during COVID times. And I was recommending that a lot of my students reach out to people that they were fascinated by curious about the work that they did, or, you know, wondering about how they got to a certain time point, and Jelani, bless him, he's one of my favorite people in the world. As you all know, he was so kind and so generous with his time that he reached out to so many of the students that I worked with who are into theater, and really had some really great conversations about what they want to do, why they want to do it, what might be possible. 

  So, you know, your, point about the exploration phase chair is so important. And I always say that if a student is interested in something, if you think it's a career path that you want to pursue, to start learning as much about it as possible, don't just hold on to like, oh, I want to be an engineer, I want to be a teacher, I want to be a doctor, I want to be this, you know, really think about like what is happening in those fields, not just with the career, I say, you know, start reading some business magazines or some medical journals or looking at different research that's happening and see if anything resonates anything that like sticks out in excites you. Right, you can read some, biographies about different people who have been successful in those fields, you can start talking to people you know, that are in those fields, or just reaching out to people you know, are doing similar work that you're interested in, and have those conversations, you might not always reach like you know, the top of the top that you're interested in talking to, but it's always worth giving it a shot. You know, putting it out there and asking the worst thing that could happen if you don't connect with them. But at least you've tried and you've gone through that process, you've showed interest in effort. 

  The other really cool thing that I think is happening now is a lot of colleges are also offering high school students an opportunity to take college level courses during the summer. So there's, you know, a lot of ways to explore different schools, different communities, different courses, before you commit too. And this is not me saying that you need to take college courses before you go to college. In fact, anybody who knows me knows that I'm not the biggest fan of AP courses for every high school student. I think when you get to college, you can do college, but I'm talking about, you know, getting your feet wet, if you're going to commit to pre med or engineering or architecture, you know, really go and explore what those courses are like, get a feel for what it will be like once you get there, because those are big commitments. 

  And in fact, when you are applying to college, having that experience on your resume, whether it's something that you want to pursue or not, looks good, it shows that you're interested in further learning, it shows your curiosity and not just saying you're into something, but that you've really acted on it because you want to do it, not just because somebody's telling you to or because you have to. So all of these ways to kind of just dip your feet in and test the waters and see what you really like, is so important. And you and I know this better than most that, you know a lot of college students that we work with, they pursue a path that they thought was right for them. And then all of a sudden, it doesn't really mesh with them. Maybe their skill sets aren't there. Maybe it's just not as exciting or they don't feel as passionate about it as they did before and they found something else that they're really curious about and they want to explore, you know, take the opportunity to kind of test the waters where the stakes are a little bit lower where you haven't committed to a full program and you know being away or something like that, you know, I think it's so important to be able to explore and take the time to do that, and reflect upon what you've learned. And I always say, my students will appreciate this. Don't just hold on to it in your head, write it down. Our working memory is not that strong, as amazing as our brains are, they are not powerful enough to remember every great idea you've ever had, or every thought you've first thought. So when something comes up, jot it down. It's so important, even if it's just in your notes app on your phone, or in a journal next to your bed. Take those ideas, write them down, go back to them, maybe call them and organize them so that you have a little bit of a system when you're making a decision. It's just such an important decision that I really want people to take the time to figure out what feels right.

  Gerald Reid 20:49

  Yeah, and get it out of your head, like you said, otherwise, you're gonna have that laptop that the fan starts overheating. Too much stuff going on. You had made the comment do do college when you're in college. And it this definitely seems like me, this is not for everybody. But there's just such competition. Now. You know, kids are competitive with each other kids don't even tell each other what schools are applying to because they want an advantage over each other, which could hurt relationships. And this creates stress. And like these kids can get so stressed out about this whole college process. I had one person telling me you know, I've been I've been trying to get into college since they came out of the womb. You know what I'm saying? Gosh, so, so much pressure.

  Alexis Reid 21:33

  I remember a first grade parent once telling one of my colleagues, you know, okay, how are you going get my kid into college into Harvard? And you butted with like, okay, they're in first grade, let's, let's help them to love learning first, before we get them into college.

  Gerald Reid 21:48

  Yeah, well, it's like, and we talked about this with sports, too, right? If you lose touch with doing things for intrinsic reasons, not everything is intrinsic, right? You know, you're not always going to just do things because you love doing it. Like, that's not the way that life works. But when you completely lose touch with that, you know, people can burn out, there's no doubt. And so just the word of caution, you know, as kids are growing up, you're only a kid once and find and create space, to allow, you know, the kid to be a kid, you know, to just do things that are kid things to do. Because you know, you don't, you don't get that time back. So I think it's easy to lose touch with that when you're just moving, moving, moving, moving in, and even adults get caught up in that whole rat race, right, just constantly moving forward and keeping things so we can all get caught up in itself, you know, create some space, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing that could be, you know, maybe one day a week, you really set aside time to do something that's really light hearted, and so forth. Because this is a it could be a very stressful process. For all the reasons we talked about.

  Alexis Reid 22:53

  Such great advice, I want everybody to just take a minute and pause and think about where they were 17,18 years ago. Because as long as that sounds, it feels like it just flew by. Right? How quick has three to five years gone? I can't even believe we're 2023. Right now, I sometimes say the date wrong, even though we're at the end of the year. And I just want us to remember, you know, as you said, how important these formative years are for these children. And we don't want to just keep pushing them to do all the things and be as prepared as they can be. But yeah, I always say that we can't predict what's going to happen. But we can prepare. But there's a limit to that. I also say that, you know, a lot of the preparation is about finding joy in the things that we're exploring, to be able to appreciate and fully indulge in the exploration instead of just rushing to the final outcome. I want to make sure that we are taking the time to appreciate this as an exploration to understand ourselves, you know, the goal isn't to just get into college and figure out what's going to happen next, that's going to happen. The idea is how can we appreciate it as we're going through it? How can we learn from it? How do we help to develop a sense of security and understanding for these young people who are about to transition into such an important point in their lives?

  Gerald Reid 24:30

  You use the phrase “understand yourself” and maybe I'm jumping ahead here, as we're saying don't jump ahead. But, you know, I have found some of the most fulfilling work I've done with people I work with in therapy is the exploration that they can have as young adults in college, and a lot of times it comes from challenges they've faced. And it's hard to remember this but college students are still maturing. Yeah, a lot of them are very immature in different ways. And that's not a criticism it's just reality, right? 

  When you're that age, you know, it could vary to different degrees. But you know, you don't have the maturity to do things like, you know, understand your motivations for, for what you're doing and to learn about yourself to prioritize things that need to be prioritized to make sacrifices to, to be flexible, the things we always talk about. And sometimes, like, a lot of times, you know, people can come to me when they're going through hard times in college, but they, they, there's such growth that comes from it, right? Even athletes, right? something tragic happens, whether it's an injury, and you kind of forced to look inward, right, because these, you know, the college athletes are on high speed forward, get better, you know, be the best. They're so many of them are perfectionists. And when something happens, and it's inevitable, and I'm kind of bringing into the athlete aspect, but there certainly is going to be you're not the big fish in the small pond anymore, the way you might have been in high school. And people can plateau, people can, you know, have different dynamics on the team that can be stressful. 

  And I see this a lot with the people I work with, where it forces you to look inward because of the challenge, right? All of a sudden, I have to figure out who I am outside of just being you know, the perfect athlete who's successful at time that everybody looks up to, I gotta learn how to be a leader on the team. When there's negativity or conflict going on, I need to figure out, you know, how to, how to be humble and to grow and to get better at rather than, you know, feel like you're criticizing yourself, if you if things are not going well, or to advocate for yourself, there's so many things. 

  And there's so much room and I think college students, I think deep down, they yearn for that self understanding and for someone to get them. Because there's, like I said, they're starting to be adults, and they're starting to feel like I want to prove that I can be independent, and they're kind of doing it. You know, we support their autonomy, we support them, and we empower them, we don't feel like we're telling them what to do, where kids could resist that. It's more just kind of like, well, let's figure this out together. And I think that really empowers them. And it really sets them up for success when they graduate college. And they can feel like they kind of have a clean slate moving forward, rather than having a lot of this baggage that comes from, you know, challenges that kind of spiraled downward without any upward spiral coming out of it.

  Alexis Reid 27:23

  Yeah, I kind of want to tap into the sports piece too. And it's not just athletes, it's anybody who is performing at a very high level in high school, and have this attention that they often get for being, you know, the best in the school at this or that or whatever. Because I see all the time. And I know you do a lot of this in your work, that students who move from a high performing level in high school. And then like you said, they become maybe smaller fish in a bigger pond. And they're, they're still coming with some really elite skills. But there's often like a shift in identity, there's a huge transition point just moving from community to community. But also like your identity might shift, you might be going from being the leader or the person everybody looks up to or reaches out to in high school, to maybe just, you know, another player on a team. And that takes a lot of adjustment just emotionally and with, like you mentioned maturationally, a lot of young people aren't there yet, to be able to make that shift comfortably. And it might cause a lot of conflict within themselves. So I wanted to just tap into this idea of getting to know yourself so that you can feel comfortable in these new situations. And I'm focusing on elite athletes, because I know you work with so many. And this also happens on the other end of college when they are transitioning out of the athletic world into the real world. And they maybe aren't pursuing a professional athletic career. But this this transition and that shift in your identity, your role, your goals is really heavy. And I know that oftentimes people get really stuck on but this is who I am, because this is who I've always been. But they're in a different environment in a different context, which really shifts and changes things without them maybe wanting to

  Gerald Reid 29:17

  it's a completely different experience where you've been around the same people like almost your whole life maybe. And you have to start completely, unless you know, people who go to the same college like you're literally just around people you've never met before. I mean, just put that into perspective. Like, what if I just took you on like, Okay, go live here for the next four years of your life. You've never met these people before. That's a big transition. And I think you're right, it applies to everybody. You can have relationships. You can have a way of being with people an identity or social identity that could be different now because you're just around different people and maybe you can evolve in some ways in terms of who you are. Maybe, you know, you were someone that was You know a certain way and you're like, Well, you know, there's a different way of being that I can try out or kind of mature into a different version of myself, that's, you know, you're not going to be a different person, but there's different parts of who you are, that can come out. That's, that's a cool thing, you know, as long as the kind of a healthy version of it, there's certainly, you know, unhealthy versions of that, too, if you get pulled into doing things that could be, you know, maladaptive over the long run. But certainly, like, it's an opportunity, but it's stressful. And people always cling to comfort and familiarity, when there's adjustments and changes, uncertainty and anxiety that comes with this. So, you know, we young people can certainly cling on to their old identities or feel like I just have to be this way or, or just shut down when the way that they used to be is not working in their social spheres that they have to kind of evolve in some ways.

  Alexis Reid 30:48

  The other thing I noticed too, is sometimes people will go to the extreme versions of themselves, just to try it out. And I think, you know, the message for young people too here is, you know, again, test the waters, you don't need to go all in or go to the extreme of anything, when you're in a new environment, a new context, sometimes just being patient sitting back observing, noticing, seeing, you know, what's going to be the best fit for me, socially, academically, or on a grander scheme and a different way. And try to make intentional decisions, right? What's going to serve me? Well, what's going to be supportive for me in this new chapter of my life?

  Gerald Reid 31:30

  Yeah, I guess in a classic example, and this is no judgment about Greek life or anything like that Greek life is a big part of people socializing. And certainly people get a lot out of it. But there's a dark side to everything and the dark side, the Greek life. And, you know, some of my research, actually, for my dissertation was people who have been bullied or victimized in some way before college that they were more likely to be part of hazing essentially be hazed once they're in college. And so there's, there's very little research in this area. And so the theory of why that might be is that maybe, you know, being so disempowered by being bullied or victimized before college, that maybe you just have this strong yearning, yearning to be a part of something to be to feel like you belong somewhere, to feel like, you're going to be accepted by a group that you're actually willing to be hazed in order to achieve that. But also, you know, what I found is that they're also more likely to be negatively impacted by the hazing. And hazing is something that's in private, and you know, I'm not going to get into hazing because there's a lot of stories you may come across or hear that it's just very dangerous and very hurtful to people, particularly people who have been hurt in the past, because they carry that with them and they're more vulnerable. So, back to your point about like, you don't want to like just go to an extreme difference, because you know, if, let's say, you've been bullied and there's research that people have been bullied also become the bully. And what is that other than, you know, over overly compensating for your insecurity about being bullied, and when overcompensate by bullying someone else to feel like you have power again, right. And that's, that's not what we're talking about. It's not like, Oh, don't try and try on, you know, being the opposite of being bullied or you can actually bully someone else. Like, that's not where we're talking about, we're not so be careful about the way that people can overcompensate for you know, their insecurities or things they've been through, we're talking more about, what are these healthy versions of yourself that you want to embrace in, if you've been bullied to like, this great opportunity to go to college and feel like you can have new relationships where you don't have that identity that you know, people know, you as someone who's been bullied, that you can meet new people, like, you know, it's a fresh start, in some ways, obviously, you want to know your patterns too. Because if you have gone through that, you might be more prone to perceiving things in a more sensitive way, when it's not totally accurate, you can be more sensitive to rejection, and that could kind of create difficulties in relationships or making more reactive. So certainly therapy and other ways of helping yourself to, you know, not let that what could be traumatic, you know, kind of lead to traumatic reactions that could get in the way of the things that you want. Certainly, you know, we are who we are when you show up wherever we are. So if you're going to be in college, you're the same person you were before you came to college, you just bringing that stuff with you. So you know, it's just a plug for therapy, you know, prepare yourself for college by, you know, dealing with your stuff that you've been through, so that, you know, you're not carrying that with you. And it's gonna get in the way of experiencing things that you want to experience when you get to college. So it could be a more open and positive experience for you. And that takes work that takes time. But you know, there is support out there for that.

  Alexis Reid 34:41

  I also want to say the opposite end of that is that sometimes, students I've talked to you have the fantasy of once I get there, everything will be better. Yeah, right. Which you know, sometimes, as you mentioned could be the case right? You kind of have a fresh start and a fresh environment with new people and new experiences. but it doesn't always mean that everything else before that is going to go away. Right? So like you're saying, you know, really work on the things and pay attention to the patterns and habits of behavior that sometimes get in your way so that you can be ready to show up without carrying that with you into at all.

  Gerald Reid 35:18

  Yeah, totally. And college is like, like I said, a microcosm of adult life. So treat it as an opportunity. Rather than being like, Oh, this is an end all be all about my life. Some people like Oh, I'm gonna make my friends for life here. This is so much pressure to make this the best experience, I would treat it like this is an opportunity to try out who I want to be, and use it as an opportunity. And there's a lot of stuff that can happen at colleges, events, there's clubs, there's organizations, there's activities, you know, that you can, there's, you know, your career. So use it as an opportunity, rather than as this pressure filled thing that like, oh, it's an end all be all in practice. So much of therapy is practice, learn about yourself and implement it somewhere. There's so many ways you can practice right, got to get along with your roommates better, or your friendships, because there's some drama or something happened, you can practice, treat it as a challenge rather than as a threat. Because you're only there for four years. And some people you may not even see after those four years, you might as well not get so caught up and prioritize getting ready for adulthood in some ways, probably keep the priorities on a higher big picture level that will ground you and keep you moving forward. Otherwise, you can get caught up in all these little things that pull you down from moving towards, you know, becoming the type of adult that you want to become.

  Alexis Reid 36:35

  Yeah, that's such great advice and such great points. And I think, you know, finding the people that you're going to surround yourself with, to allow for you to do that is so important. You know, you want people that are going to lift you up and be in that reflective process with you. Because sometimes it's hard to do. So you touched upon so many of these aspects of college and thinking about what do you need to do to consider how you're going to become the best version of yourself and make the most of this experience. You touched upon so many really great important points about once you get to this stage of your life, what you can do to make the most of it. And I just want to just roll it back for a minute and remind our audience and anybody who listens to this to think about, you know, going right from high school to a place of higher education doesn't necessarily need to be the process. So I just want to give a plug to thinking about what the different levels and the different options might be. You know, a lot of people do really well taking a gap year. And there's some really wonderful gap year programs where students can travel around the world, they can do internships, they can have work study programs, they can explore in so many different ways. They can take community college courses, where they're just, you know, lower stakes, trying to test the waters, see if college is right for them. Maybe while they're working or volunteering or supporting their household in a different way. There's also the idea of just going to work, right, just having a responsibility that has nothing to do with, you know, your family dictating the rules and expectations, that it's somebody else that is telling you, you know what the expectations are of a job that you get to make some financial income. And a lot of times, that's really empowering for individuals who are about to start college because they want to be more financially responsible. They want to have that financial freedom. And maybe that allows for them to take the time to figure out which field they want to enter into and the courses they want to study or the people that they want to be working with or around. Or there might be apprenticeships or internships and other ways to kind of figure out how to get to the next step. And the next level. You know, college isn't for everyone, you have the entrepreneurs who are out there in the world that set the example that you know, if you have a great idea, and you have the follow through and you have the passion and you have sacrifice, to be able to make things happen, and you can be incredibly successful without a college degree.

  Gerald Reid 39:03

  Yeah. And I like what you said to like, get some job experience, just to kind of develop that part of yourself. I have never worked with a kid, adolescent, who, who, who didn't work somewhere if it was for the summer or something and didn't enjoy making money themselves. And, you know, we did that grown up, right. Like I was working at the ice cream shop. In high school, I was delivering pizzas, which by the way was before GPS.

  Alexis Reid 39:29

  Got some good stories from that time period, no doubt.

  Gerald Reid 39:33

  And so, you know, it's a good experience to evolve into adulthood, which takes time it takes probably, you know, it's kind of like exposure therapy, you want to kind of take things in steps. And so, if you're going to go away to college, and you've had no experience kind of dealing with life, outside of like just being a student and kind of controlling very minut things about your life. If you're not really exposed to you know, the wilderness so to speak, metaphorically, you know, that can be hard once you actually are exposed to it when you when you transition to college, that's why sometimes the gap year helps certain people. But also, you know, think critically about that other than just, you know, trying to get the best grades and trying to get all the APS like, also, you know, just doing things for the sake of getting into college. Think about how you're preparing yourself to evolve into young adulthood in different ways to become more responsible, and the kids have to own this really hard when they don't own it. And they're just kind of rebelling against their parents, like, I don't want to work or I don't want to do this, I don't want to do that, you know, that I'm not gonna get into that, like hanging out how parents can deal with that. There could be dynamics that could help with that. But it really is amazing. When the kid takes ownership, like, Yeah, I'm gonna get a job and like, I'm going to do this, I'm gonna get this experience and, and they enjoy it. You know, some I had so much fun working when I was a kid, because there's just an aspect of it that feels good. And you can build relationships in a different way. Obviously, it's different for different people, sometimes it's for different people could be a huge stress, and it could be a huge burden for a lot of different reasons. But,

  Alexis Reid 41:09

  you know, that brings me to, you know, this next point that I, you know, I'm so passionate about is how do we build skills? How do we encourage the development of skills to be prepared for the next phase, and, as you mentioned, having a part time job or a summer job, is incredibly empowering for kids. I mean, I think for our experiences, we were lucky enough to be exposed to working. But, you know, we always were, but I think it allowed for us to develop our communication skills, like, you know, we could talk to people, since we're very young, that are much older than us, we can we learn to a certain level of respect and communication and interaction with other people. You know, we learned the value of money and earning money for yourself. Not to mention the countless other skills that are related to taking on different jobs and tasks, whether it's a chore at home, or you're out in the community, even volunteering has a an opportunity to be able to develop skills. So we're touching upon all these things that oftentimes I hear kids say, you know, my mom, or dad or my parents told me, I had to do this, to be able to put it on my college application. And I'm saying we need to reframe that completely. As you said before, you know, can this be about we are preparing for life, right, versus we're preparing to just get into a college. And I think it's so important and so valuable. And from an executive function perspective, it gives young people an opportunity to think outside of the realm of their day to day, it gives them exposure to different environments, different contexts, different people, different expectations, and responsibilities. You know, you go from school to home, most of the time, sometimes there's some kind of activity or athletics in between. But the more, you know, really positive, supportive adults, in the world of a young person is also incredibly important. Oh, yeah,

  Gerald Reid 43:10

  I remember my bosses, right. Like you remember those experiences, you know, you do a good job, you earn respect. And it feels good that you earn the respect of your boss, wherever you're working in at the end. And bosses are not going to take you know, the stuff that maybe your peers or your parents are going to take. You may get in trouble at work in May, so that you get feedback, right? You get the real their experience. And so you can put this on the kid and say, Look, if you want independence, right, all kids are like, I want to be independent. I want to be my own person, I want to control my own life. Okay, fair enough. That comes with responsibility. Absolutely. And so if you had the freedom and the independence, you better start developing that responsibility. Because if you don't, you're gonna lose your independence and your freedom quickly. You just will, because life will give you those consequences, where you're going to lose everything that you wanted, by self destructing, or, you know, not taking care of your responsibilities doing what you need to do. And look, there's different versions of this, some, some people feel too responsible for things to guilty about everything, he feel too much pressure, and that's more of like the anxiety and the clinical anxiety that you know, take a different approach. But certainly on a on a grand scale, grand level in a big picture level. You know, it's, again, breaking things down into steps, because once you're in college, you know, I had a former college student just say to me, man, you know, like in college, like you can really do whatever you want. And now he's working and he actually loves work because, you know, he found a path and by the way, had a lot of transitions and changes that were really hard to grapple with but did an excellent job. So proud of this guy for working through disappointments and changes and all these, you know, very stressful, upsetting things that happened during college that he can Now, he came in on top with the, which is really hard, but he did the work and he took ownership over that process. And so all that being said, you know, you got to take ownership over and take the small steps to preparing, like exposure therapies, break things down into steps. And independence is fine as a parent find the small step, even if it's something small, just kind of break down into parts of the kid doesn't feel overwhelmed. We also don't want to paralyze kids, and just say, Oh, go work here. And the kid hasn't, you know, he's just frozen. he or she's just frozen, because, you know, never did anything like it and is anxious and has anxiety about it. So you definitely want to provide support and scaffolding to do it. But doing it is, you know, part of being brave and part of getting ready.

  Alexis Reid 45:41

  I think that's such an important point. And, you know, that's why I think chores are so important. You know, you and I when we were younger, even though mom might disagree, and you might disagree, but I definitely had more chores than you did when we were younger. I don't know what it was about that. But it older siblings, yeah, maybe. But we, we had chores when we're younger, and we were responsible for things. And if we didn't take care of our things, then there were consequences to it. And a lot of kids growing up these days, life is moving so fast for them and their families that that they're often not feeling and understanding the consequences of not doing an action, not being responsible for something. You know, I think that we've insulated so many kids for so long, because life has been really challenging for a lot of people. And I don't want us to fragile eyes so much that we're not giving kids the opportunity to build these skills, because it's so important. And in fact, when they do make mistakes when they don't follow through. That's an opportunity to learn not to say gotcha, you didn't do it no, right. But to really say embrace the moment and say, what can we learn from this, what would be more helpful so I can get you there. Going back to what you said about scaffolding, you know, this is all part of it, doing chores at home, being responsible for a pet or your room, that scaffolding and getting them prepared and ready for being ready to be responsible for working for somebody else, or going away to college.

  Gerald Reid 47:03

  And don't forget, as parents who like it, the risk there is that you're going to be considered kind of the authority figure that just kind of pushing the kid along and stuff. And so don't forget about the importance of the relationship. And I have always found that as kids get older parents tend to feel like well, how do I have a relationship with my kid now, they're just different, like the kids get all their their voices change. They're doing different things, they want different things, right? They prioritize their social relationships and independence. And so part of it is problem solving on the parents stance about how to evolve the relationship. So there still is a relationship. And that's, sometimes parents feel like they just want some no some relief, because they've done so much the parent that kid growing up, they just want to, you know, they don't mind the separation. But like, you know, you, it's really important to maintain that relationship, not only to feel secure, and to feel like you still have that safety net, because kids are going to fall. And as much as they say, I don't need you, they need you. Oh, yeah, they do need you and they may not realize it. So don't take it literally when they say I don't need you, you know, they're going to need you. So focus on that relationship. And let you got to be the safety net and show up, even if they don't want you to show up, you gotta keep showing up. Because there's going to be a time when they're going to need you and they're going to be vulnerable, and they're gonna have nobody else to turn to, but you. So find a way to let that relationship evolve. And it may look different, it may be different, but you don't want to just and you also don't want to just be the friend, a friend of your child, right? That can bleed into some problems sometimes to when you just a friend to them, you also want to still be a parent. But but let it evolve into something it may be different, right? You're not you know, reading a bedtime story the kid anymore, because they're getting older, you got to find different versions of it that makes sense developmentally so that that secure attachment in that connection is there. That's an important thing as much as kids say they don't care. They do care deep down inside, we hear all

  Alexis Reid 48:58

  about it. And our work especially but, you know, that's so important in in to make sure that we're giving opportunities to both trust in the developing child, and then reflecting with them, you know, sometimes we we might say, Oh, you can go and do this by yourself. But make sure you take the opportunity to reflect on how that felt for them. You know, how did it feel being out and about going to the movies with your friends for the first time by yourself? Right? How did it feel to have to pay and you know, manage money and get change back or to make a good decision about what kind of snacks you're getting? Right? You had every option? Which one did you choose? You know, engaging in those conversations is so important. And in fact, that helps them to develop these skills of critical thinking and problem solving. So that they can say, Oh, wait, I did make that decision. Maybe that wasn't the best decision I could have made or I've made a good decision. Look what I did and look at the fun time I had and look at how I feel. And now you know If I was able to follow through and manage and maintain an expectation with my parents, and now they trust me more, maybe I'll have more opportunities to do this, right? We don't often we are often as adults manufacturing, and sometimes manipulating and setting up opportunities for kids to do things. But we're not giving them enough opportunities to just test the waters and try things out. So I'm gonna go back to this idea of like, everything's an exploration. How did it feel? What do you think? Is it aligned with what you believe? What you feel strongly about? And what can we do next? What might we want to actually do differently in the future? Or maybe at work? Do we want to test the waters and try it again, in a similar way, and see what the response and the experience was?

  Gerald Reid 50:45

  Yeah, so much of life is trial and error with the safety net? Ideal? Ideally, you know, we started this podcast and was like, What would do a podcast? You know, we started off, you know, the sound quality wasn't great. And so we got this wonderful studio, cyber sound studio in Boston and great producer, Rob, and Perry, the owner, and we, we evolved over time. Yeah. And we made some changes as we went, right. But, you know, that is normal.

  Alexis Reid 51:11

  And some episodes and days will be better than others. And that's okay, too.

  Gerald Reid 51:16

  Yeah. And the whole point, you know, as you're saying, with parents and kids is, you'd rather you could be honest with you than not, yeah, so reflecting and giving the space to talk about things openly. And kind of providing that safety, then the support to talk through things, you know, I would say, maybe some parents are like, I'd rather not know certain things. Right. Obviously, it's sometimes that could be valid, too. But like, you know, if the kids hiding things from you, that they probably shouldn't be talking about, you know, start to nurture that relationship in that type of way. And as you're, as you're saying, that could be helpful for that,

  Alexis Reid 51:48

  totally. And I think that it strengthens it builds and develops a relationship when you have those, again, interactions between trusting and reflecting, trusting and reflecting. Because all of those points, whether they work out well or not, are opportunities for learning, which is building skills, which is building competence in the child, which is building this open communication, that, believe me, you don't want for them to get to college, and hide everything that's happening for them, and then end up in a different situation where maybe they're failing, they're exposing and experiencing things that maybe are maladaptive, not helpful for them. Maybe they're having relationships or having social interactions that are negatively impacting them, or the people around them. You want to have these conversations early, so that when they get to a point when they're not in your household, when they're not as much in your care, that they're thinking about those conversations you've had, they're thinking about these experiences that they've had, so that they can continually grow and make different decisions that they can feel good about, and that are ultimately building their their concept of themselves. Definitely. As if okay. Yeah, so and again, it goes back to like building emotional and self regulation, I say that those are superpowers these days, we're going to have emotions, we're going to have big reactions to things. Sometimes our previous experiences might, you know, come with us bias, bias, absolutely. All of it is going to come up in different ways. And what do we do when it shows up? How do we manage and deal with those experiences in a new environment and contexts with different people, without having the people we're most comfortable and familiar with, right by our side all the time? How do we deal with this and manage it? So in in high school, and even before that's the power of building these relationships in these conversations, whether it's with a parent, a trusted adult, mentor, coach, teacher, therapist, whatever, it might be so important to explore this early so that when college comes, when this next chapter outside of high school begins, that this is the foundation that these individuals these young people are working from?

  Gerald Reid 54:06

  Yes, if there's people in the community where you grew up, or if there's extended family, get that relationship strong, so that, you know, there's multiple people they can go to, instead of just the parents sometimes, right? Maybe got an uncle that's like, you know, really there for you. And then when you're a college like, oh, you know, I feel like I want to call my uncle or my aunt or, you know, grandparent or something, right. Like, don't neglect all the resources in one's life and the support system, it doesn't have to be one thing. Think creatively about that, you know,

  Alexis Reid 54:37

  yeah, and we can, you know, there's books out there and we could write a book on all the things that you can do in preparation for this. But there's one more I really want to make sure that I talk about is the fact that young people's prefrontal cortexes are still developing during this phase of life, and some will come online and strengthen I'm faster than others. And we want to be super mindful of how we can support and be there for them. So we're talking about a lot of preparation. The whole theme of this season this year is about how do we prepare to support ourselves and take care of ourselves and take care of ourselves and, and for preparing for this transition. We want to start early with, you know, feeling comfortable and confident. Communicating, I can't tell you how many college students go away. And they don't call their parents unless they're asked to or they totally, except for once a week or when things don't go well, which becomes a huge catastrophe and becomes oftentimes more stress provoking and anxiety by embarrassment, shame parents. Absolutely. Like I can't do this on my own. Right. So starting early to develop these open channels is so important. And again, like, like you said, you're having people outside of even the parental figures to be able to confide in and to reach out to it's so important.

  Gerald Reid 56:01

  Even siblings, cousins, I remember when you went away to college. What did you say the mom, you're like, a couple. Jerry's not talking to me so much anymore.

  Alexis Reid 56:09

  You just like ghosted, you just disappeared. I was like, why is Jerry and I were very blessed. We've been very good friends, our whole lives. And his friends are my friends. My friends are his friends, and are very blessed for that. But, you know, I went away to college, and I never heard from him. My god

  Gerald Reid 56:26

  is this. You that was pre social media. And maybe that was part of the reason like, you know, picking up the phone and just giving you a call, like, maybe I just never did that.

  Alexis Reid 56:35

  Well, that was kind of my point in saying this. How many kids today actually pick up a phone and make a phone call?

  Gerald Reid 56:40

  Well, there you go. Very few. We were talking this about this in my grad school class that I teach. Yeah, we were discussing that we were actually discussing. You know, people don't even answer the door anymore without someone calling you first. And then I showed them the Sebastian Maniscalco bit about the doorbell ringing and we just had such a big laugh about it, because it's so true. You know, it's funny things have changed, you know. So going back to that, you know?

  Alexis Reid 57:07

  Well, I'm gonna go back to actually what you said before, because let's let's just clear this up for the audience who's listening? Mom's hypothesis, at least, was that you missed me. So it was hard for you to reach out and talk to me, because we didn't have like as many exchanges and interactions as we had before.

  Gerald Reid 57:25

  I think that might be part of it. I think part of it too, was like not getting I've never called you probably just that conversation. I

  Alexis Reid 57:32

  don't typically call their sisters who like, Hey, let me tell you what happened today. Yeah, I

  Gerald Reid 57:36

  think boys in general, don't pick up the phone and call their friends as much and just have a conversation, I've been doing that more as I got older, which I really appreciate. I gotta say, for all the guys out there, if you don't do that naturally, like, just get used to it, I think you just gotta break the ice and realize, like, it's cool to have a conversation like, especially when you're far away from people, as you know, distance happens with college or after college if you move and stuff. So, you know, I think that that's that there too. And also, I think I was just like developing into myself and like caring about relationships and what I was doing in my life too. So quite often that too much. Yeah. And

  Alexis Reid 58:09

  sometimes as hard as it is to have a shift and change in your life, and maybe people you care about to be far away. It also gives you an opportunity to build different relationships with other people in your life, right. And sometimes when you're insulated and exposed to certain people, even if you really do care about them a lot. Sometimes breaking away and forming these new bonds and relationships is really helpful and important too. And I think that gave you the opportunity to become a coach and to hang out and have fun with your friends. And you know, and then we came together and look at us now we're still friends. But

  Gerald Reid 58:41

  it's also a shock when something changes so drastically. I'm like, Oh, she's not around anymore. Like maybe I just wasn't processing. It's like, okay, just keep moving forward.

  Alexis Reid 58:50

  That's such a really important part. There's, there's a real period of grief when such a big change happens. You know, I think about you know, empty nesters, parents who no longer have children at home, children who no longer have their siblings or parents around, you know, there's always these big breaks and changes that can feel like grief a lot of times, and really incredible therapists have beautiful ways of talking about this. But we'll just touch upon it here for a moment just to acknowledge and lead with empathy if you don't hear from somebody. Or if when you do hear from somebody, it feels a little uncomfortable. It might be that there's the stages of grief that are still going on. As we're adjusting to these new phases of life and not having people as prevalent or as immediately in our worlds. It's just

  Gerald Reid 59:38

  a shift. Yeah, like we said in the episode last, last time about anxiety, everything's an adjustment in life, we're always adjusting, or even adjusting in conversations with people by the way, just to throw these in here. You can have a conversation with somebody like, Oh, I gotta make an adjustment here. Like everything in life is an adjustment, you know, you know, so, you know, college is one of them, which is the bigger one.

  Alexis Reid 59:58

  So we talked a little about what to do once you get to college, and I'm anticipating we'll have a whole nother episode just about that, you know, I teach. And I run a college group for college students who are trying to find a better balance between their social, personal and academic lives, sometimes athletic lives to, which is it's just like a plethora of so many incredible conversations and really real raw shares from these college students who are going through it, who don't feel like anybody else is going through the same thing, because most kids don't talk about it. They talk about the good or the bad, there's not often the conversation about the in between. And I feel so privileged to be able to support guide and teach them on a lot of these skills. So we were gonna have a whole nother episode to talk more about this. But I wanted to touch base on one more thing that's kind of like pre college pre transition that's so important. And this is another part of your professional career in your practice is thinking about the neuro psych in this evaluation to really understand how your brain and your emotions work and work together. That if there is a question about how an individual is learning and accessing curriculum, or having a hard time with their emotional regulation, there's this incredible assessment that can be done, which is a little bit costly, sometimes not always covered by insurance, depending on who you're going to. But this idea of having a neuro psych, if you had it done, when you're younger, it's really important to get it re evaluated. So you have a better sense of where you're at understanding your skills, your strengths, your areas for improvement. And this is a really important component, either, if you're going into standardized testing, though, those waters are changing a little bit with the potential of not being timed. And a lot of the tests are changing and evolving right now. So stay tuned and pay attention to that, if that's something you're worried about taking a standardized test to get into school, a lot of schools are saying that they are test optional, when you're applying. So that's another advantage for people who might be worried about maybe not performing as well on a standardized test as they do in the classroom. But also, as you're going into college and transitioning into school, and we'll talk about this more on the next episode about how to adjust and be prepared and do what you need to to be your best version of yourself in college is to make sure that you can, you know, tap into the supports that are available on a college campus, to be able to talk to the Office of Disabilities or accessibility to be able to say, these are accommodations that are helpful for me to be my best version of myself as well learner, or even socially, you know, sometimes there are housing arrangements that you can get an accommodation for, if that's something you need. So being aware of who you are, from that perspective is so important. And I wonder if there's anything else you want to add?

  Gerald Reid 1:02:58

  Yeah, every teacher can be so different to like, you know, it can ever one professor who's like, super wordy, you know, and just, you know, lectures at you. And then there could be another teacher who's more engaging around questions around group projects around this or that. So you really don't know what to expect. You know, in some ways, you might have to ask people who have been to some classes and ask about that, to be prepared and to adjust to it. But I think T to your work with individuals help people learn how they learn best, right? Do you need to talk through things to understand material, if you feel like you're not strong in science or strong in math are stronger than writing papers? Like, just figure out what those barriers are? And just problem solve, like we said before, what's your problem, be clear about what your problem is stated very clearly, and explore solutions rather than this feeling like, Oh, I'm just not good at science, I'm just not good at math. Like that's, that's not gonna get you anywhere. And it's probably going to lead to more anxiety, because you're avoiding it, the more you avoid things, a lot of times, the more anxious you become, because you're doing nothing about it. And that's partly what exposure therapy is, in some ways, expose yourself to even just talking about it and admitting that you have a hard time with something but be clear about it. Don't be so vague, like Oh, I'm just horrible at math like that, that doesn't say anything, start to get into the nuances of like, well, what is it about it, you know, and you know, what leads you to feel less confident about it, you know, what will help you learn better. And so and there's tutoring services on college campuses that people may not even be aware of, you know, there's even student mentor student tutors, right? Kids, students who are really well versed in the class, they already took the class, you can meet with them, you can meet with your professor with Office Hours, definitely come prepared with good questions. Don't just, you know, be too vague about like, I just need help. That could be useful too, right? If you're really lost, and you don't even know what question to ask, you can do that for sure. But certainly put in some work to figure out what kind of questions you want to ask. But, you know, the whole point of your work with individuals is how do you learn best what gets in the way? And how do you navigate data because learning doesn't just stop after college, you're gonna have a job, you're gonna have to figure out how you learn best. And this is, like I said before college is practice for the real world. So treat it like practice.

  Alexis Reid 1:05:12

  Yeah. And in high school, start that process soon, in early, you know, have these conversations. Once you get to college, you become your own best advocate. And the access you get is really only about what you ask for. And that will be a part of our next conversation about being successful in college. But you know, my last piece of advice for individuals thinking about, you know, moving on into higher education, or this next phase of life is is to really practice, you know, practice advocating, get to know who you are, what's helpful, and what's not helpful, and have these conversations with the people around you who know you best, because it's going to help you to kind of work through your own thinking, to figure out what the best fit is for you. And a lot of people who know you, well, they might have good advice they might not. But all of it is information that you can integrate into what you believe and care most about so you can make a good decision about what comes next. But there's no harm in practicing developing skills early. And I always say especially to families, you know, my greatest advice during this process is to explore but slow down, pause, reflect and connect. Take that opportunity. It's a great one to have specially at this developmental time point for you and your children. And with that, we wish you luck for this college application season. And we'll see you soon all speak with you soon on the next episode.

  Gerald Reid 1:06:39

  Great chatting with you again, Lex

  Alexis Reid 1:06:40

  always Jerry.

  Gerald Reid  

  Thanks for tuning in to the Reid Connect-ED podcast. Please remember that this is a podcast intended to educate and share ideas, but it is not a substitute for professional care that may be beneficial to you at different points of your life. If you are needed support, please contact your primary care physician, local hospital, educational institution, or support staff at your place of employment to seek out referrals for what may be most helpful for you. ideas shared here have been shaped by many years of training, incredible mentors research theory, evidence based practices and our work with individuals over the years, but it's not intended to represent the opinions of those we work with or who we are affiliated with. The reconnected podcast is hosted by siblings Alexis Reid and Dr. Gerald Reid. Original music is written and recorded by Gerald Reid (www.Jerapy.com) recording was done by Cyber Sound Studios. If you want to follow along on this journey with us the Reid Connect-ED podcast. we'll be releasing new episodes every two weeks each season so please subscribe for updates and notifications. Feel free to also follow us on Instagram @ReidConnectEdPodcast that's @ReidconnectEdPodcast and Twitter @ReidconnectEd. We are grateful for you joining us and we look forward to future episodes. In the meanwhile be curious, be open, and be well.

There are many milestones in life that necessitate planning and preparation. When preparing for the transition to college, families can engage and support the process. In this episode, Alexis and Jerry discuss different options and ideas related to preparing for the transition to college. 

Be curious. Be Open. Be well.

The ReidConnect-Ed Podcast is hosted by Siblings Alexis Reid and Dr. Gerald Reid, produced by and original music is written and recorded by www.Jerapy.com

*Please note that different practitioners may have different opinions- this is our perspective and is intended to educate you on what may be possible.